Active Listening: 3 Steps to Better Conversations
You know how it feels to be misunderstood. To walk away from a conversation feeling misjudged or misinterpreted. It’s awful! Maybe you’ve also been on the other end, too—realizing after a conversation that you left feeling confused or frustrated by what the other person said.
And maybe you’ve left conversations wishing they had gone deeper when they stayed surface-level instead.
Active listening can create deeper understanding and clarity. It can reduce frustration and conflict. It can create connection and trust.
Here are three simple ways for you to practice active listening. They take practice, but they can transform your communication - from your most intimate conversations to your friendship catch-ups, your workplace meetings, and even your social media interactions.
1. Pay Attention
This sounds obvious, but don’t skip it! It’s the most important step.
To pay attention well, you must slow down and pause to notice and experience what the other person is saying.
Let their words and expressions impact you and sink into your understanding slowly, the way rainwater lands on the grass and softly sinks into the ground. Take your time.
You probably often think that you are paying attention to someone when you’re actually paying attention to your own thoughts instead–forming your own judgments or brainstorming how to help.
You’re planning what to say next, right?
This is the hardest habit to break because it causes some natural anxiety -
“How do I show them that I agree?”
“How do I convince them that they’re wrong?”
“What am I going to say?”
Stop planning your next move. Active listening isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing; it’s about understanding. So, take a deep breath and focus entirely on them.
Stay present with them. Listen to their words. Feel the heart and intention behind their words.
2. Repeat Back What You Hear
Reflect their words and thoughts back to them to show them that you understand.
One way is to simply repeat them: “So, you think the company needs better onboarding.” Or you can try reflecting their emotional experience back to them: “It sounds like this situation is really frustrating you and it’s making your job harder.”
Try phrases like
“Let me make sure I understand you correctly…”
“What I hear you saying is this - …did I get that right?”
“Is this what you mean?”
If you don’t get it quite right, that’s okay. Let them correct you. You might have to guess what they mean a few different times before getting it just right, but they will be glad for the opportunity to explain themselves.
The goal is to clarify and really understand what they mean and why. So reflect back what you hear until you get it right. Until they say, “Yeah, exactly!”
The key thing here is this: don’t assume that you get it. Check with them to make sure you are interpreting them correctly.
3. Respond To Their Thoughts Before Adding Your Own
Once they agree that you understand what they are saying, thoughtfully acknowledge their feelings and ideas.
You can offer some empathy:
“That sounds so confusing.”
“You must feel exhausted.”
“How disappointing.”
You can affirm their intentions :
“I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”
“It’s clear that you want to do what’s best.”
“Your heart is in the right place.”
Or you might even offer some validation or encouragement:
“This would be tough for anybody.”
“I’d feel the same way in your shoes.”
“I know you have what it takes to get through this.”
Fully acknowledge what they have shared before adding any of your own perspectives. This small step can build a lot of trust.
Active listening isn’t the only part of a great conversation. Hopefully, you’ll have space to share your own thoughts, too! But listening actively makes it more likely that you will both walk away from the conversation with a deeper understanding of the other person.
Want this information in a shareable format? Download our free PDF: Active Listening: A Three-Step Guide
